Andrew McCarthy: The Crisis of Male Friendship

The Vanishing Art of Male Friendship: A Reflection with Andrew McCarthy

The dog was asleep in the corner, and I sat at the kitchen table, sipping weak tea. My 21-year-old son, Sam, was telling me a funny story about a dating mishap involving a friend. “Rocco’s a fool,” I said affectionately. “He is,” Sam agreed, “I love him.” We laughed. Then, Sam looked at me, a thoughtful expression on his face. “You don’t really have any friends, do you, Dad?”

It wasn’t meant to be hurtful, just an observation. I replied, “I have friends, I just don’t see them often, but they’re there.” Sam considered my answer, likely sensing my uncertainty. His comment lingered. What had happened to my friendships? Were they still viable? What did I offer, and what did I receive?

The Epidemic of Loneliness Among Men

It turns out, men are increasingly losing the ability to forge and maintain meaningful friendships. A 2021 survey revealed that 15% of men admit to having no close friends – a stark increase from 3% in 1990. Fewer than half of men express satisfaction with their number of friends, and only one in five report receiving emotional support from a friend within the past week.

The U.S. Surgeon General has declared an “epidemic of loneliness and isolation,” a sentiment echoed even by Dr. Ruth in her later years, who shifted her focus from sex to the pervasive issue of loneliness. This isn’t just an emotional problem; the consequences are profound.

The Health Risks of Social Isolation

Research demonstrates a staggering 50% increased risk of developing dementia, a 29% higher chance of heart disease, and a 32% increased incidence of stroke for those with “poor social relationships.” Social isolation poses greater health risks than obesity, inactivity, air pollution, and even excessive alcohol consumption or smoking. A Harvard study pinpointed consistent, positive community connection as the No. 1 factor in a longer, healthier, and happier life. Building a strong friendship takes over 200 hours, yet losing one is tragically easy.

A Life Lived Apart

Consistency is key to nurturing close friendships. When I was younger, maintaining those connections felt natural. But as life’s demands grew, friends moved away, and the bonds frayed. There was Seve, my surrogate older brother; Matthew, a confidant in the entertainment world; Eddie, my oldest friend and early role model; and John and Don, more recent companions. They were cornerstones of my life, yet I hadn’t seen any of them in what felt like an eternity.

My own journey with friendship hasn’t been straightforward. I experienced a typical childhood, filled with neighborhood games. Then, success in my 20s altered everything. Thrust into the public eye, I retreated into myself, and unfortunately, into alcohol. After achieving sobriety, I discovered a fondness for solitude. Marriage brought a new dynamic, revealing that many of my female friendships were based on flirtation. With men, friends drifted away, and I found myself less motivated to forge new connections, content with my own company and family.

But after my son’s question, I realized my self-imposed isolation was diminishing my life, making me a smaller version of myself. My wife had warned me about this tendency. I was becoming a curmudgeon, losing the broadening influence, courage, and safe harbor that friends once provided.

Reaching Out, Reconnecting

I started with Eddie, suggesting a trip to Texas. He was enthusiastic, but tied up with a renovation project. I reached out to Matthew, who initially agreed to a visit, but canceled twice due to work and family issues. John was climbing in the Himalayas, and Don was in Japan. But Seve was eager to reconnect, proposing a road trip to the Chesapeake Bay.

Seve and I met in Greenwich Village decades ago. Our friendship blossomed from tennis matches and plotting travel adventures. One Christmas Day, we impulsively flew to Puerto Rico, embracing spontaneity and shared experiences. Even amidst bedbugs and a rainstorm, we found laughter and a deeper connection.

When Seve later cited health issues as a reason to postpone a visit, I realized I couldn’t wait any longer. I drove to Baltimore and knocked on his door. This experience, as detailed in Andrew McCarthy’s book, Who Needs Friends: An Unscientific Examination of Male Friendship Across America, highlights the importance of actively nurturing relationships, even when it’s difficult.

[This article has been adapted from Andrew McCarthy’s new book. When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.]