Melissa Auf der Maur: From Hole to Smashing Pumpkins and a Father’s Farewell

Wary of Courtney Love’s tumultuous energy, Melissa Auf der Maur, the bassist, soon found herself captivated. But why did she ultimately leave Hole for the Smashing Pumpkins – and embark on a relationship with Dave Grohl, Love’s longtime rival? It took nearly two decades for Auf der Maur to share the truth about her father’s passing, even with her husband.

A Father’s Battle and a Daughter’s Witness

It was April 1998. Auf der Maur was the bassist for Hole, on a brief hiatus from recording their breakthrough album, Celebrity Skin, while Courtney Love pursued a Hollywood career. Her father, Nick Auf der Maur, was a prominent Montreal figure – a politician, activist, columnist, and a lifelong drinker with a rebellious past, including a public poetry performance and a bar brawl with Jack Kerouac. He was also a heavy smoker, and a lump on his neck soon revealed throat cancer that spread to his brain.

Radiation proved ineffective, leading to an experimental procedure that left him unable to eat, drink, or speak properly. During a visit, Auf der Maur overheard her father expressing his desire to end his life. She connected him with a friend, and with his consent, morphine was administered. She remained by his side until his final moments, offering him the peace he sought. “You can let go now,” she whispered. “Let go.”

‘Even the Good Girls Will Cry’: Unveiling the Past

This deeply personal story is just one of many revelations in Auf der Maur’s memoir, Even the Good Girls Will Cry, a candid account of her time navigating the 90s rock scene with Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins – a world of chaos, dysfunction, lost idealism, romance, and tragedy. She explains her decision to finally share her father’s story: “Because I would never want my daughter to grow into a woman with her own mother still hiding from the defining moment that made me an adult woman.”

From Montreal Clubs to the Heart of Grunge

Auf der Maur’s journey began in the intimate clubs of Montreal, a stark contrast to the whirlwind she entered with Hole following the tragic death of Kristen Pfaff. Joining just weeks before Kurt Cobain’s suicide, she found herself thrust into a band led by a grieving and volatile Courtney Love. Live Through This, released a week after Cobain’s death, catapulted Hole into the spotlight, but also exposed them to intense scrutiny and chaos.

Initially hesitant to join, drawn to art school and a desire to avoid “selling out,” it was Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins – a former fling and Love’s rival – who suggested her for the position. Love’s persistence ultimately won her over, and Auf der Maur found herself amidst a tempest of grief, pain, and raw emotion.

A Legacy of Rebellion and Female Empowerment

Auf der Maur’s story is rooted in a legacy of female rebellion. Her mother, Linda Gaboriau, was a pioneering American academic and radio DJ who challenged societal norms in the Quebec separatist movement. Auf der Maur herself is a product of unconventional circumstances, a testament to her mother’s independent spirit.

Navigating Chaos and Finding Her Voice

Life with Hole was a constant struggle against addiction, trauma, and the exploitative nature of the music industry. Auf der Maur witnessed Love’s battles with substance abuse and the lack of support provided by record labels. She carried the weight of concern for her bandmates, recognizing Love’s vulnerability beneath the chaos. She describes Love as “a survivor,” despite her flaws.

A Relationship with Dave Grohl and a Search for Simplicity

After leaving Hole in 1998, Auf der Maur joined the Smashing Pumpkins’ tour and began a relationship with Dave Grohl of Nirvana and Foo Fighters. Their connection blossomed after a tense initial encounter, fueled by Grohl’s feud with Love. However, their paths diverged when Auf der Maur sought a quieter, more creative life, while Grohl remained focused on his rock stardom.

Finding Peace and Sharing Her Story

Today, Auf der Maur is a multifaceted artist, balancing her music, photography, and the Basilica Hudson arts space with her husband, Tony Stone. Her memoir is a testament to her resilience and a call for authenticity. She hopes her story will inspire others to embrace their true selves and navigate the complexities of life with courage and honesty. Her relationship with Courtney Love is now stronger than ever, and she celebrates Love’s continued evolution.

Even the Good Girls Will Cry: My 90s Rock Memoir by Melissa Auf der Maur is available now. Read a review in The Guardian.