For generations, the public perception of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), often known as the Mormon church, was dominated by a wholesome, unwavering image – think the Osmonds and missionaries on bicycles. Today, a new, more complex narrative is emerging, largely shaped by fearless women on reality television. Leading this charge is Heather Gay, a prominent figure from Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (RHOSLC), whose candid journey as an ex-Mormon has captivated millions.
Heather Gay: A Voice for Change in Mormonism
As an original cast member of RHOSLC, Heather Gay has not shied away from sharing her deeply personal story of leaving the church. Her bestselling memoir, Bad Mormon, and her recent Peacock docuseries, Surviving Mormonism, offer raw insights into the challenges and liberation of breaking free from deeply ingrained traditions.
“I think women are doing it [appearing on reality TV] because it’s the only outlet we have to have identity or power in a very patriarchal, hierarchical structure,” Gay revealed in an interview for Newsweek’s The Parting Shot podcast.
This structure, where only men can hold the priesthood – the divine authority to act in God’s name – governs all leadership and ecclesiastical roles within the LDS Church. This inherent imbalance creates a dynamic where, as Gay notes, “Mormon men are like little kings of their own kingdoms, so they don’t want to define it, or they don’t wanna look under the bed covers because it works great for them.”
Reality TV: Unpacking the Complexities of Mormon Life
Heather Gay’s journey on RHOSLC sees her navigating a new, complex life, embracing experiences like drinking, dating as a single mom, and openly discussing faith crises with family. Beyond RHOSLC, Hulu’s The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives further chronicles the lives of younger Mormon women dancing at clubs, providing financially for their families, and navigating life after divorce.
These shows are bringing long-taboo subjects into the open. Layla Taylor from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives explains, “We are talking about subjects and things that people have been struggling with for a long time. Garments, drinking, having sex before you’re married… these are things that [Mormons] have been doing but having a lot of shame around them.”
Traditional Latter-day Saint practices forbid alcohol (as part of the Word of Wisdom), prohibit premarital sex (the law of chastity), and designate sacred underclothing, known as garments, for endowed members. By openly discussing these aspects, reality TV is making many feel “less alone,” moving public perception of Mormonism into a more open and uninhibited space.
The Performative Nature of Faith and TV
It might seem paradoxical that a faith built on modesty would find a platform in reality television. However, Heather Gay offers a compelling insight:
“Mormonism is such a performative faith. It’s like showing up, looking a certain way, behaving a certain way. It’s also not about how you actually feel, it’s how you present to the world. That type of performative being baked into ourselves makes us perfect for reality TV.”
This performative aspect means that even those who have left the church, like some of the women from the “MomTok” influencer group featured in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, still grapple with the pressure to maintain appearances. Layla Taylor, who is still a member but non-practicing, suggests the church needs modernization, not necessarily a dismissal of rules, to allow members to feel their “sins aren’t too sinful” to belong.
Deconstruction, Identity, and the Cost of Freedom
For Heather Gay and millions of others, leaving Mormonism is far from a simple decision. It’s an “existential amputation,” a profound re-evaluation of identity. “The church is your behavior,” Gay states, emphasizing how deeply integrated Mormonism is into daily life beyond Sunday worship. Breaking these deeply ingrained habits is incredibly challenging.
While reality TV provides an unexpected loophole for female dissent, this public deconstruction comes with a price. Gay acknowledges the “privilege” of her Bravo platform, a luxury most ex-Mormons lack. Many face a significantly harder life after leaving, but choose integrity over a double life, even if it means sacrificing a sense of belonging.
Challenging Gender Roles and Historical Injustices
The women on these shows are also dismantling generational gender norms. Jen Affleck from The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, for example, became a breadwinner, redefining her marriage with husband Zac, who eventually embraced the idea of being a stay-at-home dad. “Don’t let the traditional cultural pressures stop you from doing that,” she advises.
Moreover, these platforms allow for vital conversations about historical injustices and current policies. Mayci Neeley, an active LDS member on SLOMW, has openly challenged the church’s stance on LGBTQ+ issues, even attending a Pride parade on the show. Layla Taylor, biracial, spoke candidly about her struggle to reconcile her faith with past scriptures that historically interpreted “Black skin as a curse.” While the church has disavowed these theories (Race and the Priesthood essay) and ended its ban on Black men holding the priesthood in 1978, the historical context deeply impacted her personal journey of embracing her Black identity.
The Future of Mormonism in the Public Eye
Ultimately, women like Heather Gay are doing more than just creating compelling television. They are bearing witness to experiences that the church has historically muted, offering a multifaceted view of Mormonism that could potentially compel modernization. “If you are the true church on the face of the Earth, you should be strong enough to hear people that had bad experiences within that church,” Gay asserts, urging the church to listen and evolve. Their stories are not just entertainment; they are a powerful testament to personal truth and the ongoing evolution of faith in the modern world.
